Today

Today was hard. Even to look back at this sometimes makes my heart hurt so much that I think to myself, "What is the point of getting up today?"

                                                              I know the point.

Living. Raising the kids. Looking forward to those times when I no longer feel lonely. When I no longer feel like a fool.  Hearing his voice on the phone begging for forgiveness and knowing he only needs what he needs.  He doesn't need forgiveness. He needs another chunk out of me.
Hearing everyone say, "Why are you still taking those calls? Why do you even care?"

Because the thought that he really did see me coming from a mile away and that none of it mattered sucks the wind out me...and because he can't get to me from where he is...not really. I'll rip the band-aid off before he can.
I know I will, but for now...the pain of pulling it off slowly keeps me mad. It keeps my resolve strong. The sting is welcome because it still feels like I deserve it.

Fuck him.

As a very dear friend of mine says, "Fuck him in the neck."

That's all.