Thursday, August 23, 2012

Grape Jelly

So I quit my job, my good, state, government job.  Thus began my indentured servitude at the barn.  I got up, got the kids to school, went to the barn, fed everything, saddled what needed to be saddled and then went back to the house to pick up Tucker.  He was either ready to go or sitting at the computer playing internet poker, chain smoking and scratching his balls.  If I rushed him, he told me he was in no hurry and that meant, obviously, I shouldn’t be either.  I lasted about 2 weeks before I wanted to run away again.  Once we did leave, we’d go to the barn and work cattle for hours and then ride what needed riding. Come home exhausted in time for the kids to get home. Feed everyone a snack and head back to the barn for more. It really wasn’t much better than when I was working except I got all his work done for him in the mornings.

Tuckerette was blowing her paycheck on God knows what and we were still paying her truck notes and insurance every month.  I was at the bank every morning begging the bank officer to cover checks and making deposits etc. etc.  The whole bank account thing was getting more and more out of control. The checks were either being paid and then we were paying the overdraft fees or they were going back and we were paying the overdraft fees.  I sat down and figured up the all those fees in a six month period on both accounts when I got my hands on electronic statements and it was thousands of dollars.  THOUSANDS.  In overdraft fees. 

Friday, August 10, 2012


Blog requested. 
Subject Hope. 
Challenge accepted.

Hope – A feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

Who doesn’t have hope every day? I hope that will happen. I hope this will happen.  As it turns out though even a pessimist will hope for something to happen and yet not quite believe that it will happen. 

So I’m not so sure hope is all it’s cracked up to be and seriously when I hear  the word hope, all I can hear in my head is Palin saying, “How’s that hopey-changey thing workin out for ya?” in that fucked up half Minnesota/half Fran Drescher voice of hers.

So here goes for hope…I hope that I can afford school clothes since my daughter already wants glitter covered tennis shoes that cost $55 dollars. I hope that my son will forgive me and start acting like what I say matters. I hope that my daughter doesn’t get knocked up in high school because she falls for the first boy that pays her real attention.  I hope that I can continue to lose these depression pounds and be able to tie my shoes without getting red in the face. I hope that they find a cheap, foolproof cure for cellulite. I hope that I can stop smoking (all the way).  I hope that I can afford Lasik. I hope that my cat is not pregnant again.  I hope that I get to see my parents more often. I hope that mastopexy can be covered by my insurance as medically necessary.  I hope that I can find someone I can respect that wants to get old with me even if that turns out to just be me.  I hope I can get this tattoo covered up before I’m too old to even be IN a tattoo shop. I hope he goes away and never comes back. I hope this Friday turns into 5:00 so I can go home and try to make zucchini noodles.  I hope I get to see my horse again. I hope my hair grows out (and looks fabulous). I hope my kids end up happy. I hope when I die it turns out we're all headed for the mothership. I hope that can wear a bikini again in public someday and not show up on People of Walmart.  

I hope that I do some small thing someday that changes the world in some small way, even if it's infinitesimal.  

Ok so my favoritest blogger The Klonopin Chronicles, says I  must challenge others to post about hope as well. I hope (see what I did there?) that they have the time and don't think I'm a doofus. 

So if I tag you, then: 

Step 1: Write a blog post about hope & publish it on your blog.
Step 2: Invite one (or more!) bloggers to do the same. 
Step 3: Link to the person who recruited you (me, in this case) at the top of the post, and the people you're recruiting at the bottom of the post. 

Apparently Melanie Crutchfield is doing "Closing Ceremonies" around August 10 which is already today but if you have time then link her on the blog post as well.

After all this I'm challenging, 

Confessions of a (Not-So) Super Mom to write us something about hope if she has the time.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Sugar Doll

He called today and I answered it because I needed to tell him that when the divorce papers came, he should just let them go or sign them uncontested.

“Why baby? Why would you do that?” the sob was in his voice and it was the same thing I’ve heard for months. The same thing I heard when he was picked up once before and called me from lockup.
“I need to do this to move on. I have nightmares and wake up yelling at the dark.  I need to file my taxes without all your bullshit weighing me down.  I need help and can only get it if I’m not married and mostly because it’s just…over.” I let it hang and didn’t follow it up. 

He immediately came back with the pleading, “I’m a changed man baby, you’re the one that’s done that for me.”