Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Ripping the Bandaid Off

I have this picture frame at work and it has pics of my kids and one of my dogs in it and one of the frames is empty.  I couldn’t bear to have it filled any longer.  I’m starting to think however that the empty black hole in the frame is worse than looking at him every day instead.  Maybe I could stick his mug shot in there and that would make it better?

I ripped that aforementioned band-aid off on Monday. I went to visit him and stared at a monitor screen and told him, “Don’t call me anymore. I won’t be in to see you anymore.  As soon as I can afford it, expect divorce papers from me.”  I was very straight to the point and calm which was not at all what I was feeling.  I was feeling like I was on the visitor’s episode of Lockup… I mean what the fuck am I doing in a jail “visitin my man”??

He cried and begged and did all the same manipulative things he always has to try and get me to capitulate.  I gave in a little and stayed for part of the visit but it was only to listen to him try to reason with me like I was an 8 year old as to why we belong together and how much he loves me.  I finally said, “I’m going to tell you good bye now and hang this phone up.”

He screamed and pressed his hand up and said, “Please! No! No! Don’t leave!”

But I couldn’t stay any longer. I did what I told him I was about to do. I said good-bye, I hung up the phone and I walked away.  It was surreal and terrible.  It didn’t feel better. I still don’t feel better. Someone tells you that they love you and you have to walk away from that?  It didn’t seem right and yet I knew that it was. I cried all the way home.  I called my mom and cried some more. I crawled in bed and cried until I fell asleep. I woke up to check on my daughter and cried some more.  Writing this down makes me bleary and teary-eyed.

Supposedly, I’m going to feel all better soon.  The overwhelming urge to curl up in the fetal position every evening when I get home and stay in bed til I have to get up again is going to pass.  That’s what I hear anyway.  I’ll have to take everyone’s word for it because at the moment…I think I’m lost.  Now, not only do I feel like I’m adrift with no land in sight, Wilson done fell in and there doesn’t appear to be a good tailwind either.  Tucker Tucker Bo Bucker Banana Fanna Fo FUCKER.

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