So I was in love and I thought with someone different. Someone self-aware and whole. Sure there was a ton of self-reflection going on and at times he seemed flighty and unsure of his course but he always seemed to work it out. We talked about the best sequence of actions for getting a home together, how long we should wait, etc. Whose house first or fully together when we were ready. We talked about all kinds of things. We continued to steal kisses and see each other and bask in the glow.
And so it happens that one weekend I go to meet a friend at the bar where she works. We are going to eat and hang out but she has to work. There are families there and kids singing karaoke and I take a stool at the bar and she and I chat in between her customers. A 100-year old pipe liner sits down and buys me a beer. I drink it and I talk to him as he regales me with his own brand of cowboy poetry and bull riding stories. It soon becomes evident that I cannot drive home in my current state so I start to drink water. I drink like 4 bottles…turn down more beers from more pipe liners and I go home. When I convey this tale to my beloved 3 days later, he becomes shitty and sullen. He withdraws and goes back to work after our supper together and I wonder "What the fuck?"
Ensuing discussion reveals his disappointment that I let someone buy my beers while sitting in a bar without him. Further, he is not the sort of man that would ever let there be any doubt about the fact that he has a woman and he would treat her with the utmost respect to include not letting another woman overtly flirt with him, hug him or put him or his woman in a situation that either of them would have to be embarrassed about later. He told me that a girl at work had been hugging him and he knew I didn’t like it much even though I hadn’t said anything so he made sure it never happened again. He didn't want anyone anywhere to think they’d had something over on me where he was concerned. I loved that. I loved it. I knew he was upset and I knew why and what’s more I wholeheartedly agreed with it. I’d never had a man say anything like that to me. Now though, in his eyes, I’d sullied the whole thing and I tried to explain that he could walk in that bar with me and he would have no reason to be embarrassed, it simply hadn't been like that. Long story short, we hashed it out. I have a tendency not to be the one to put up a fight or try to prove my point because it’s exhausting but I thought he was worth it….that our future was worth it.
So the moment that it happened that I saw the fateful post on motherfucking Facebook on another girl’s motherfucking page and I said something about it; about how that wasn't respectful and about how if all three of us were ever in a room together that I would be embarrassed and belittled; about how I was hurt about how it belied the exact thing we’d almost broken up over a month before….I expected an apology. What I got was defiance. It broke my heart when he puffed up. I knew right then it was over. Shit, I knew the moment I’d seen the post it was over.
In the end, I imagine that he was not ready. He was still trying to put the pieces of his life back together and we crashed into each other in an unexpected and passionate wave that proved to be too much for him and all of his inner conflict. I don’t think he meant to be a hypocrite, he just could never get out of his own way. I ended up feeling like the long suffering wife who sees her husband through medical school only to be dumped when he becomes a doctor. I know that’s not exactly fair to him but it is still how I felt. I had dropped everything more than once to take him meals. I had put gas in his car to help him get to work and made sure he had things for his son. I had gone out of my way to make things work between us and did it happily because I thought we were working toward a future. It seemed the minute he got a better job and things were looking up though, he no longer needed me and that is just the most crushing of blows.
I told the bestie that I was going to just start being a bitch from here on out and she said, “No, you won’t. That’s not who you are.”
I tried too hard and gave everything but I don’t know how to do it any other way. I go out of my way for the person that I love and I’m going to have to make damn sure that next time, whoever he is, doesn'tsee me coming from a motherfucking mile away.