Thursday, December 12, 2013

Ima Eat

I love to eat and I’m really good at it too. I’ve spent most of this year not eating as much though because when you get older, all those late night fried burrito binges catch up with your ass. They make things jiggle that aren’t supposed to shake. The first time I had a back fat wobble, I almost had to be prescribed a sedative and then I had a cheeseburger, which was my sedative of choice at the time.

So, I have been learning to like new things through the magic of low and no carb eating.  Last night after working my regular 9-5 and then another 4 at Home Depot, I was friggin starving. I hate eating late but the only snack choices available to me at Home Depot are cookies, crackers, candy or meat sticks. I stuck it out and waited til I got home and opened the fridge to peruse my choices. I settled on lettuce leaves smeared with hummus, topped with roasted chicken and a slice of cheddar all rolled up.  It was delicious and I didn’t have to feel bad about it. I’ve spent a lot of years feeling horrible about almost every bite I put in my mouth because when everything else is shitty, Ima eat.  However, now I’ve become a veritable white trash maestro of low carb snacks.

The only cracker, cookie or bread like substance that has zero carbs….pork rinds. You can turn these crunchy little fried pieces of pork skin that I would NEVER have previously eaten into all kinds of things. Smash them and make breading or use them for dipping. You can cover them with taco meat and cheese and jalapenos and have some pretty decent nachos.  All without having to feel guilty about it. Well I mean I haven’t had my cholesterol checked in a while but let’s pretend that’s not a problem right now.

Also hummus.  Omfg.  Hummus.  Who knew this shit was so delicious.  I mean I’ve eaten chickpeas in a salad as a child when held at fork point by my mother and yuck! But mash those fuckers up and throw in some tahini and lemon, garlic, roasted peppers and holy garbanzo beans, Batman! Deeelish.

I don’t feel deprived because I eat at least one cheat meal a week and there are weeks that I have an entire cheat day.  Thanksgiving was about 5 days of binging and cheating and I paid dearly. My digestive system went off the rails and I started retaining water and feeling all around terrible.  I didn’t gain any serious weight back though and two days back on no carbs and I felt all better.

This does not mean that I will abstain from Christmas binging.  It’s gonna happen.  The Gurl Child and I only have one tradition really at Christmas and that’s ball shaped food.  Ala’ Schweddy Balls. You’ve got your sausageballs, your rum balls, your orange balls, your cheese balls, your popcorn balls, your meat balls. Ever had a mashed potato ball? I have and it is baby jeebus in a ball shaped manger delightful. Whopper cake
Because malted milk ball scrumptiousness.

No matter what life changes I’ve made to lose weight or be healthier or just to feel better, I will never deprive myself completely of the things that I love.  Quite simply, Ima eat. 

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