Swish. Swish.

Tucker and I talked about marriage all the time and when he would make love to me sometimes he would look into my eyes and call me his wife. When we made love and I actually wanted to, it was wonderful.  Even wonderful doesn’t cover it, I suppose.  It transported me. It made me feel like we belonged together.  When we were just making love and nothing else weird was involved then it was precious to me.  I would cry when I climaxed from the sheer joy.  It’s one of those things that made me think I shouldn't be without him, along with the money and the how the fuck am I going to make all this better?

When we were alone together especially in bed, I had that feeling that we did belong together.  All the other shit just didn’t seem to make a difference.  The kids, the money, the accounts, the no vehicle…none of it mattered.  It just felt like it wiped away all that stuff when we held each other.  Maybe he was just so good at holding things in the balance and maybe he loved me as much as he could love anyone.  I don’t really know but at the time I felt completely loved, at least at those moments and they seemed worth the tradeoffs.   I guess I thought all the thousands of dollars he had flowing in and flowing out would eventually stay in and that we’d all be happy and set.  He told me that’s what would happen often enough and I so much wanted to believe it.

He used it against me.  He knew when I was at the breaking point and then chose that time to wrap me up and tell me he loved me, to adore and worship me.  I craved that and he knew it. Shortly after I got “my” new truck, Tuckerette’s truck was starting to act up.  Tucker got the brilliant idea to take it down and trade it in for another for her.  I was picked up from work and promptly taken to a tote the note dealership where I found Tuckerette waiting with a new truck.  All they needed was for me to co-sign the note since I was the only one there with a real job.  There, in front of me, were many sets of eyes expectantly waiting for me to sign my life away yet again. 

I took Tucker to the side, “She needs to go to work and be responsible for making those payments before I’m signing anything. We can’t afford another payment not to mention the insurance.” She had been living with us and doing little to nothing else except asking for money up to that point and I wasn’t about to pay her insurance and truck note when I had nothing to drive. 

Tucker shushed me, I mean God forbid we hurt her feelings.  “It’s all handled; just sign the papers, Sugar.” He knew what it did to me when he called me Sugar. 

I knew better, I so knew better.

I signed those papers and not only was I a co-signer; I was a co-owner because that’s the only way they could work it out. 

I told them both as we left the lot, “I will not hesitate to take the damn truck and drive it for my own if you don’t get a job and start making payments.”  Of course they both looked at me like I was a complete bitch but I just didn’t care. 

The next day much to my surprise Tuckerette got a job; a good job at that.  I told her that her dad and I would be more than happy to give her spending money if she were taking care of her responsibilities. 

She was shiny and happy and enthusiastically agreed with me, “I’ll do it, I promise.  I know it’s hard enough around her without me doing my part.”

She made exactly one half of one insurance payment.

That’s it…and Pops had nothing to say about it. Of course he didn’t because the other thing that I come to realize was that he was steadily trying to buy his children’s love.  He had been separated from them during his unfortunate incarceration and if he showered them with whatever they wanted then they would stay by his side and love and adore him.

When I had mentally whipped myself into a frenzy one day, I cornered him yet again. “I’m sick of being afoot and it’s not fucking fair that I am the only one going to work every day and I don’t have a goddamn vehicle.  I’ve got TWO trucks with my name on the titles and I don’t drive either of them!”

To which Tucker replied with the next phase of my isolation. My friends and family were already holding me at a distance because they could not understand this twisted relationship I sought to keep in a death grip.   You see, a sociopath will understand your weakness and exploit it maximally.  He will seek to charm you, hold you, love you while he deceives you and then remove slowly everything that makes you independent from him. Making no sudden moves but subtly sweeping each little piece away. Swish. Swish.

He told me he was sick of me leaving him every day to go to work too.  He said that he wanted me to be with him instead of us being separated all the time.  He declared his undying love yet again and I started to think.  Why should I keep going to work when everyone else wasn’t? I could ride horses all day and even take some in to make money instead of having to do it PLUS the office. I’d have more time to work on school and be there when my kids got off the bus every day. When summer time showed up I could stay with the kids instead of worrying about daycare.  It would be awesome.  Yes indeed that sounded like a great idea! I know what you’re thinking. It’s too late to kick my ass now.  I did it. 

  I quit my job.   Swish.